


As Luck Would Have It

by exquisitelymorose



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, F/F, Marriage, musings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-26
Updated: 2019-04-26
Packaged: 2020-02-04 20:15:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18611734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/exquisitelymorose/pseuds/exquisitelymorose
Summary: And when she strips away the layers, the fear, the ego, even she can admit that all people have the capacity for change. She knows, in the marrow of her bones, that she can be a good partner to Vanessa.But she hasn’t always been. Not a good person, not a good partner, not a good mother. And it terrifies her.Late night musings between our girls.





	As Luck Would Have It

“What did I do to deserve you?”

It’s just a breath that ghosts over her neck, nothing more than a sleepy mumble. But Charity knows that to Vanessa, it’s a real question. Something she truly sits and wonders about late at night. She understands that her fiancée considers her a blessing, something to behold, to covet. A person to be proud of. 

And it turns her stomach. 

She’s not daft. At times, she can see herself from the outside, put things into perspective. Remind herself that she is person who is worthy, who is valuable. Despite what people think, Charity isn’t just an empty shell of anger and stroppiness. In a shoe box under the bed are a few thoroughly read self-help books and a journal or two, when she can’t sleep she’ll allow guided meditations to flow into her ears. She’s actually seen a counselor or two. And when she strips away the layers, the fear, the ego, even she can admit that all people have the capacity for change. She knows, in the marrow of her bones, that she can be a good partner to Vanessa.

But she hasn’t always been. Not a good person, not a good partner, not a good mother. And it terrifies her. 

Knowing she is capable of change doesn’t settle the part deep within her that knows she is capable of so much more. Of cruelty and lies and thievery and deception and manipulation and what else? All of it. 

She knows Vanessa isn’t perfect. She’s made her own mistakes and failed to measure up in moments where it really mattered. There are faults that Charity has looked past because hers felt too enormous to compare. But she’d be lying if she said she hadn’t spent a few good moments scoffing, rolling her eyes, wondering what in the hell her beautiful and mostly clever partner was thinking when she slept with and carried the child of someone who was merely a child himself. And of course, there was the whole thing with Rhona. The enabling, the ‘almost’ affair. No, no one could deny that Vanessa hadn’t tripped up a few times herself.

But it was different. She’d cared about Kirin. She cared about Rhona. When it came down to it, Vanessa had always acted from the heart. Misguided as she may be – well intentioned. It hadn’t been like that for Charity. There were moments where she did what she had to for her family. And was that love? In the Dingle way, yes. But she’d acted from spite, from anger, always cunning, always a cheat. Not just because she had to but because she could. 

When she’s being honest, attempting to uncoil the guilt, the hesitation, this dark _thing_ that wraps itself around Vanessa’s words, her unwavering love and affection, she knows its fear. The fear of what she could do to Vanessa if she allowed herself to be swallowed up in the ways of what used to be. 

She shivers. Vanessa stirs next to her, nose crinkling against the skin of her neck, fingers twitching over her hip where her arm is slung low and heavy over her body. She pulls her closer.

“Hm?” comes a sleepy mumble from the smaller woman’s lips. 

Charity thinks that if she just stays silent Vanessa will surely drift back to sleep in a matter of seconds. Instead she whispers quietly into the darkness, “nothing.”

Eyelashes flutter against her skin and Vanessa tries to pull back a little but Charity strengthens her hold, rubbing her hand against her back, under her fiancées shirt. 

“I can feel it.” She mumbles.

“What?”

“You thinking.”

“Thought you were the brains between the two of us.”

“Oi, lady. Give over.” Her voice is still quiet, still laced with sleep but she’s awake now. No sense in hiding.

“I just-“ Charity starts but the words die on her lips. She pulls comfort from the darkness around her, that she’s not having to look right into those devastatingly open blue eyes, 

“I know I’m so lucky to have you, Ness.”

The hand at her hip tightens and Vanessa snuggles in closer, laying a kiss against the space between Charity’s neck and her shoulder, “we’re both lucky.”

She sighs, “it’s not the same, babe.”

“Whatdaya mean?” she mumbles into Charity’s skin before freeing herself from her grasp to lean on her hip and elbow. They can’t see each other but Charity knows how her fiancée is looking at her. Nervous, confused. Brows knit. 

“I could take you into almost any place this side of the country and everyone would ask who I had to con to land you. You’ll never have that, Ness, okay? You won’t know what it’s like to introduce me as your wife without getting a shite comment or a dirty look. I-“

“Charity-“

“Please, Ness.” They both fall silent a moment, waiting for her to go on. Charity is surprised when Vanessa doesn’t reach for her. Suddenly she misses her, this person right in front of her. “I know that you’ll have some come back for everything I say. You always do, my tiny blonde knight in shining armour. But I’m sorry. I’m sorry that for you, it’s me and I’ll never be able to change the things I’ve done.” 

Silence stretches between them for a long moment. Then, there’s fingers stroking down Charity’s cheek, a thumb ghosting over her lips which she presses a quick kiss to. 

“There are things you had to,” Vanessa says finally, words soft and slow, “and I wouldn’t change that you did them. I’d change that you had to but not that you always did what you had to survive. There are things-“ she hesitates a moment, “that I wish you’d never done. Things I know you didn’t have to do but you did them anyway.” 

Charity sighs, long and hard. She knew this was coming eventually. 

“But I know there are things that you wish I’d never done too. That’s what a relationship is, Charity. We’re two people who had complete lives before each other. But like you said, you’re it for me. And if taking back any one of those things would change who you are, I’d rather you did them one hundred times over.”

When Charity doesn’t speak, Vanessa settles back into her. Arm slung over her hips, head against her chest. Suddenly, words vibrate from her chest against her ear. 

“You’re a right fool, babe.”

“Yeah, well, so are you.” She turns her head and places a kiss right over Charity’s heart,  
“but I’m still lucky to have you.”

“Maybe you are.”

**Author's Note:**

> I really love this pair. Please leave kudos and comments to fuel me and let me know what you'd like to see. I'll deliver.


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